What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 23:53
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i do to all so called friends.?
It was going to be , some day.
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He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I said to her
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Ive learnt so much.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
How do I cope with the fact that I will never have a girlfriend?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Put me off passion for life!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
This is soul school!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was in good health!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was 9 years of age.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was very sick at this time too.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I write beautiful poetry .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I will be 64.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I couldn’t, believe it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Comes on , in middle age.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So whats the point in blame.
But it wasn’t much.
One cannot live in the past .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She wouldn,t have been !
But, we were locked up after school.
Was to survive, this bastard.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She found it foreign!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My family never makes their pension either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He knew the spot.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I waited trembling.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I have no regrets .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I don,t even have a pension.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My life is so biszare .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was seconnd youngest,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Would this be the day?
And i lived it daily.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She loved him until the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When she asked me how she looked .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were not on the streets..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So, i spoilt her more .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What did i know ?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im still living with it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why did i forgive my father ?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I think the readers, may guess!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I never cut or harmed myself..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We all went to grammer schools
All the time i was locked up.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Who then, do I blame.?
She married twice! .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!